[Archive] My Mum **This message was automatically appended because it was too short.**


As some of you have read in Willmarks thread, I have suffered an immense and sudden personal loss.

My mum had been losing some weight for many months, but with our family not thinking there was anything particularly strange about that, losing 5 stone over about 18 months didn’t seem particularly worrying.  It just seemed like her appetite had shrunk.  She was a bit on the large side anyway and it was always something she thought about.

In the last couple of months she had been feeling fatigue and tiredness and an increasing loss of appetite.  Then about a three weeks ago she had a flu (or so we thought) with constipation, lots of coughing and throwing up.  

This went on for about 2 weeks, then for another week she was increasingly tired and hardly eating much at all.  We put this down to her being hit hard by swine flu (as my dad and I were also ill).  The last week before she went to hospital she probably ate in total what I would eat in a large dinner.

Wednesday morning my Dad found she had fallen around 1:00 in the night and lacked the strength to get up or get us up, so she was alone on the floor all night until around 7:00.

Skip a bit and we took her to hospital in an ambulance as we realised there was no other option.  My Mum had a huge fear of hospitals and doctors in general, hence why she had not seen one since I was born (27 years ago).

The Doctor initially misdiagnosed her in Accident and Emergency as having ‘shadows on the lungs’, ‘possibly a bit of sepsis in the blood’ and ‘that her kidneys had basically packed in’.  All of which he told her.  In hindsight I am furious about him telling her that (and our experiences with the later doctor) and I am going to write him a letter in a few weeks.  The lungs part was probably right, and she had a dangerously high level of calcium in her blood but her kidneys were working fine right to the end.

That night my dad and I came home (believing we had to because of visiting hours), something I will never forgive myself for.  She was in discomfort all night, and I came home to read about sepsis (septicemia) and how it’s a virtual death sentence.  Still, we thought there might still be a glimmer of hope.

The following day Dad and I went in and that afternoon my sister arrived.  Between thursday morning and sunday night I had 3 hours sleep (which I also regret), and the staff let us all stay there at her side.

Thursday we got the prognosis.  She had terminal cancer and not very long to live.

I went into shock, I believe because of where I was in the ward (in a corridor close to her bed) that my Mum saved me from having a heart attack.  I realised where I was and that she might hear me so I forced myself to calm down.  If I had not realised that I know I would have carried on.  My heart rate and blood pressure went very high.

So that was late on thursday.  On friday I spoke to the doctor who told me that she had cancer in her lungs (which were probably more cancer than lung), her stomach, her 5th vertebrae, her liver, possibly her womb, intestine and brain.  There was no hope at all, and he was surprised both that she was not in apparent pain and that she had not died already.

He said he was going to go and tell her on saturday, something I have never forgiven him for as it forced our family to tell her instead.  Telling the person you care about most in the world they have cancer and not long to live is the hardest thing you can imagine.  It’s going to take many many years for me to be at peace with that, I really hate the doctor for forcing us into that position, especially as after we told her we never saw him again.

My aunt turned up an hour or so later to say goodbye.

On Sunday 13th at around 07:15 she died, and a massive chunk of my world collapsed.

Fortunately we were as close as mum and son could possibly be and I did not have anything left unsaid.  My father and sister and aunt were all there.

She slipped away peacefully possibly in her sleep, and the doctors say the level of consciousness she had meant she would not have felt pain.  She was 57.

This picture was probably about 12 years ago.


My Sympathies Grim.

This message was automatically appended because it was too short.


Incidently, my Mum always thought that Great Ormond Street was a worth charity, as it supported family and children forced to part.

If anyone were inclined ever to give money to charity at any point, it would be nice for you to think of this moment and throw a little their way.

I’d also like to point out here that I am not in a forgiving mood, and should anyone be unsympathetic here I will remember.  Better not to post.  Not that I really think anyone would. It’s just a risk you take when posting things like this in an open forum.


As noted (I think I speak for everyone on the site) take as much time as you need. Anger is a natural state of grieving and in time it will pass. The sting will never go away but you go on. Eventually the feelings, the best feelings will remain. From the sound of it there is nothing you should regret.

I think that is the best thing you can do, the very best. Regret doesn’t sound warranted for you, as you said: “left nothing unsaid between you”. As a fireman for 13 years and a EMT for 3 of those years as well: people rarely get a chance to say goodbye, cherish that forever. Rather then have regrets, be thankful that she was allowed to pass on in her sleep. None of us can control the manner of our passing… That much cancer… Im still grappling with words for that.

Also, I struggled with the right way to frame your absence without revealing what it was so please accept my apolgies for making it seem as a minor thing when obviously I knew it wasn’t.

Again, condolences all around, 57 is far too young.

Thommy H:

Shit. That’s terrible. My deepest sympathies go out to you and all your family, Grim. It sounds like a horrifying situation was compounded by misunderstandings and miscommunication and that just makes it all the more difficult to bear, I’m sure.

Some may think it’s pathetic to want to write all this on a forum where nobody here would ever possibly have known her.
Not at all.

Tarrakk Blackhand:

Grim - my condolances and deepest sympathies go to you and your family.


My condolences, Grim.

We’ll be here when you’re ready to come back, mate.

Some may think it’s pathetic to want to write all this on a forum where nobody here would ever possibly have known her. But I’ve found it comforting what my staffers have said and what others said in willmarks thread.
I think the fact you feel comfortable saying that on a forum says a lot about CDO.


My sincerest and deepest condolences, Grim!

The correct words fail me to describe my thoughts and feelings …

I truly wish that you will find your inner peace and balance again.

Don’t waste your time to condemn weak and coward doctors - I know these guys they aren’t worth it!

… and here at CDO (in this forum) there is always a place to share good and also tragic experiences.


I lost a daughter nearly four years ago. It never gets easier, I feel it becomes part of you and it changes you. Time heals, to cause myself and wife ambivalence our second daughter was born on the same day our first daughter was born and died on, two years to the day, so the day is a dark and bright day for us.

I don’t know to say anything that could ever help you. Just, live for now, let time help.

My deepest condolences.



My condolences, Grimstone…


Please accept my condolences, Grim. My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family.


That is way to early and painfull.


My heart is with you.


My deepest sympathies, I hope that you can find comfort in posting about it.


My condolences to you and your entire family, this is a very terrible thing and I really feel sorry for you! My english lacks a bit to express what I want to say in nice words, but it comes down to this: take your time and know that we at CDO here are always there to back you up, even if it is from a distance. Grieving takes time, that I know from personal experience and it shouldn’t be rushed. Words might not heal pain but time eases it for as far as I have experienced and I wish that this also will happen to you, my friend!

Death alters the living, and it is hard to refind your balnce after such a shocking occurance, that is totally logical.

My deepest sympathies!


My deepest condolences, Grim. I can’t imagine how this must feel.

I’d also like to second the Ormond Street sentiment. My sister is in and out of there and they do good work.



Some may think it’s pathetic to want to write all this on a forum where nobody here would ever possibly have known her.  But I’ve found it comforting what my staffers have said and what others said in willmarks thread.
I think it shows a big strengh of character to write something like this on a forum let alone expose yourself and others to such a deep personal loss. It shows that you have amazing strenght of character and that Im sure is something that is taught more than gained in life.

Your mum has taugth you well and I am certain would be proud to read what you have wrote acheived and done here and other places and Im sure will be just as proud sitting in her lofty position in heaven watching down upon you.

The sting is very raw at the momment but after a time the memories of joy and laughter will return in time I know and can pass on from personal experiance and dont feel you have to remain strong for others that itself is the road to ruin.

My deepest condolences, Grim I am everyone at CDO will be here for you and we are all very very proud of you.

Da Crusha:

My condolences grim, Im very sorry to hear that happened.


My deepest sympathies to you and your family grim. I know words can’t ease any of your grief at this time but I hope that the thoughts and well wishes from everyone on this site will probably mean alot to you. I lost my own mother in tragic circumstances ( she died of malaria on holiday) so I can understand the pain you’re currently feeling. Everyone deals with these things differently I know you won’t believe it at this current time but the grief and anger and feelings of guilt and hopelessness WILL subside. Cherish your memories and be thankful for the happy times you shared. All my best.


My deepest condolences Grimstone. I can understand exactly how you feel. I lost my mother in almost the exact same way. She had numbness in her legs, (long story removed), diagnosed with advanced lung cancer…3 months later she was gone. Unlike you, I am an only child, so I can relate to the son-mother connection quite well. Mums (Moms) are very special creatures, which can never be replaced. - Keep strong Grimstone, we are thinking of you.